Don't Talk Rubbish
by TonksIsMyHero
Summary: Oneshot...RLNT, a conversation they may have had slight HBP spoilers, you're best not to read this until you've finished the book, unless you want just a teeny spoiler, nothing plotruining.


"Remus!"

Remus Lupin turned to see a young woman running toward him, her cape flying behind her. Her light brown hair fluttered lankly around her face as she skidded to a halt in front of him, her face giving away the fact that she did not dare believe her eyes.

"How have you been, Tonks?" asked Remus quietly.

"I – but I thought you were – I was so worried!" said Tonks, stumbling over her words in a way so similar to how she tended to stumble over most anything solid. "I've been going spare, thinking it was you who got attacked by that Greyback maniac…"

"No, that was ages ago," said Remus, smiling for some unknown reason. "The _Prophet_ tends to be a bit behind the times."

"That's not funny," said Tonks. "That's not funny at all, Remus. Look, I've been really worried, couldn't you have sent an owl out somehow that you were okay?"

"We've been through this. It would have put everything at risk, and their trust is most important," said Remus patiently. He noticed how exhausted she looked and wondered whether she was ill. She must have seen him looking, because she quickly averted her eyes and ran a hand through her hair, as though trying to look happy and casual.

"Well, no matter now, you're well," she said. "Erm…look…can we talk?"

Remus let out a small sigh. He knew what it had to be about, and as much as he didn't want to have the conversation, he knew he had to.

"Yes, sure," he said. "Let's get something to drink, shall we?" he added, also noting how thin she seemed to have become and thinking she could do with one.

They walked in silence through the village of Hogsmeade, though Remus thought Tonks was breathing rather too heavily, as though she was running rather than walking. Indeed, she was struggling slightly through the snow, though it was not very deep – only a few inches, in fact. Concerned, and suddenly aware that she was not in a cloak, Remus put an arm around her to support her up the incline towards the Three Broomsticks. He felt her shoulders tense up slightly, but he did not relax his grip for fear that she would stumble if he did.

Once inside the pub, they found a table and rubbed their hands to warm up. Tonks did not wait for Remus to pull her chair out for her, which he did out of habit, but instead, she sat down quickly, leaning on the table. Remus unclasped his shabby cloak and put it on the seat opposite her, then went to the bar to get drinks.

"Cheers," said Tonks, taking a small sip of her mulled mead.

"All right, Tonks," said Remus. "You wanted to talk."

"Yeah, I do," said Tonks, and she looked uncharacteristically shy. "It's embarrassing to say this, but I know you don't like it when people don't just _talk_, you know…say exactly what's on their mind…"

"You're right," said Remus, drinking a bit of his mead as well. "So, what's bothering you?"

"I was thinking about…you know…what I'd told you before you went off…and what you said about it…"

Remus felt his heart sink. That conversation was as fresh in his mind's eye as if they were having it right now, and it was one that caused him a certain amount of shame. He realized quickly that Tonks really did look mortified and quickly spoke to save her any further awkwardness.

"Yes, I remember. And before you ask, yes, I meant it," said Remus, reading her expression.

He had indeed meant what he had said, and remembered with an odd swoop of the stomach the happy expression Tonks had had initially…and then, his stomach clenching slightly, the very disappointed look that had clouded her normally sunny face, and feeling terrible with himself for having been the one who put it there…

"Well…I mean, I know you meant it, I know that. It's just that I wondered if you'd given any thought…changed your mind a bit…or something," said Tonks, shutting herself up with an overlarge gulp of her drink.

"I wish I could say I have," said Remus. "Honestly, I do. But…"

"No, look, you're just paranoid," said Tonks, suddenly sounding a bit like her old self.

"Tonks," said Remus firmly. "I don't like it any more than you do –"

"Rubbish," said Tonks, and Remus was sad to hear her voice revert back to that morose tone she had adopted of late.

"It's not," said Remus. "If I had my way, I'd have a bit more gold and a bit less bite…and a few less years."

"I don't give a damn about any of that and you know it," said Tonks. "Those are things _you _think about, not me. I'm not as frivolous as you might think."

Those words stung Remus, as he had never thought Tonks frivolous in the slightest. On the contrary, he knew she was one of the most friendly and accepting people he'd ever known. It was those qualities that made what he had to say next so hard.

"It can't be," he half-whispered. "If anything ever happened to you because of me…how could I ever forgive myself? I've never quite got over what could have happened when I was at Hogwarts just a few years ago, not to mention when I was a student."

"That's what Wolfsbane is for, and do you honestly think that if you were transforming, I'd stick around and let you bite me? That's just stupid," said Tonks, the happier note back in her voice, as though she were sure this would convince Remus…

Remus tipped the rest of his drink back and stayed quiet for a few minutes while Tonks drew her finger around on the table, smudging little pictures onto it. What they were, the glare from the window blocked Remus's vision so that he couldn't tell, but Tonks rubbed them out with her napkin a moment later anyway. She pushed her drink to the side and leaned forward slightly.

"Can't…can't you give me a chance?" she asked softly, sounding strained.

"Oh, Tonks, it's not anything to do with you, you know that," said Remus.

"It obviously is," said Tonks, now angrily. "As I've told you no less than a thousand times that _it doesn't matter to me_…that I still really…really care about you, despite it all, okay? And I would have thought that you'd have been thrilled that someone didn't care about your…stuff…who didn't care how much money you have or anything like that, but you aren't satisfied with that. Or so you say. So my only conclusion is that it's me what's wrong. Is it the hair? Because you know it doesn't have to be pink all the time."

Remus managed a small smile. "The pink suits you."

"You haven't answered me."

"Well…it's mostly me," he said, wishing he could just be a better liar for once and think something up that wasn't hurtful.

"And the rest is me?" asked Tonks.

"In a way," said Remus. "In the most unfair way, since it's nothing you can control. I'm too old, I'm too worn out, but you're full of life. It would be unfair of me to expect you to be happy with me."

"But I _would _be happy! And so would you. Why wouldn't you let that happen?" said Tonks, now sounding slightly hysterical.

"Please…" said Remus, trailing off as he tried to figure out exactly how to word this next thought. "Please don't think I don't want us to be together, because I do…but if there were different circumstances, if I didn't have to spend every day being worried I'd somehow harm you."

"Remus, I'm not a little rag doll who'd sit in the corner and let you tear me apart –" Tonks broke off when she saw Remus shudder slightly. "Sorry. I'm saying that there are two of us, two fully functional people. _If something were to happen, I am capable of defending myself, or simply buggering off!_"

Tonks said that last sentence with a scratchy voice, as though not raising it were causing it to cut her throat from the inside out.

"I don't doubt your abilities, you know that. Quite the opposite. I know how talented a witch you are; I'd trust you with my life."

"Okay! So do! Do trust me with your life, because you know I trust you with mine! Stop being stupid and…and just quit denying yourself the chance to get close to someone. Not everyone is going to be lost," said Tonks. "I know you've had it tough, believe me, I know that. I understand it, too, which you _know_. I know you've got this fear of letting people in because you think you'll lose them – well, I've lost people too, but I'm not afraid of letting people in, because I know that love and friendship will be the only things that will keep us from going starkers."

Remus did not speak. He twirled his empty glass absentmindedly on the table and watched the light dance through it in spots. He noticed Tonks watching the light patterns as well and looked up at her, taking in her appearance fully. She had never seemed older, and he noted the dark circles under her eyes – if he didn't know better, he'd have suspected these things to be the effects of an approaching full moon.

_No, that's just you, Moony_, he told himself. _And she shouldn't have to live with that_.

"I heard that," said Tonks as Remus let out a sigh. "Am I really that exasperating?"

"No, not at all," said Remus. "The opposite, honestly. I'm exasperated with myself and this situation… because I do wish it would work out –"

"It would! It would, it would, it would, how many times do I have to say it? I – DON'T – CARE!" Tonks positively shrieked, knocking over her glass when she gestured with her hand. "Oh, no…"

"It's all right," said Remus, and he quickly snatched a napkin and dabbed at the spilled mead. "_Reparo_."

The glass quickly repaired itself and Tonks settled back in her chair, the weak winter sunshine falling across her too-thin face. She would not meet Remus's eyes.

"I wouldn't wish myself on anyone," said Remus quietly, mumbling at the table. "You deserve much better."

"Don't talk rubbish," said Tonks, but there was no malice in her voice. "You're the best I know."

They did not speak for another five minutes, but then stood up at the same time and left the pub. Remus offered Tonks his cloak, but she shook her head, her arms crossed. When they reached the edge of the village, they stopped and looked at each other for a few minutes, the snow landing in their hair and eyes and stinging. Then, slowly, Remus took her into a tight hug, stroking her back as she clung to him.

"There must be some way…you can't just…I don't care about any of that…" Tonks babbled. Remus heard the desperation in her voice and it hurt him more than anything else he had heard that day. He always detested causing pain to anyone else.

"I hate this," he said. "And there's not much I _hate_."

"Then…then just…"

"I can't, Tonks, I'm sorry…"

How long they stood there, Remus didn't know, but he suspected several minutes. At long last, they released each other. Tonks made a move as though she were about to kiss him, but he stepped back and turned his face, shaking his head slightly. Tonks looked quite upset, but she nodded in return and brushed her hair out of her eyes. Remus suddenly leaned forward himself and gave her a small buss on her forehead, which he instantly regretted because it weakened his resolve ever so slightly, but no matter. He smashed his hat on his head and walked away, leaving Tonks behind him, waving.

FIN


End file.
